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What should dads do during labor? Your job, stage by stage

Your job in labor is to time the contractions, keep her fed, calm and comfortable while it is early, speak up for her with the nurse and the OB, and know when to call. ACOG says that if she thinks she is in labor, or is not sure, you call her OB or other obstetric care provider. [ACOG] The rest of this page is what to do and say at each stage, plus a printable cheat sheet for the hospital bag.

The short version
  • Before the day: ask her OB when to call, how to reach them after hours, and whether to call first or go straight in. Rehearse the drive, and have the car seat installed properly. [ACOG]
  • Early labor: time contractions, keep snacks and drinks coming, walk with her in the day, help her rest at night. [NHS]
  • Active labor: hand over the birth plan, help with positions and breathing, and say out loud what she wants so she does not have to.
  • Pushing: stay by her head, repeat the nurse's instructions calmly, water and a cool cloth between pushes.
  • After: protect the first hour of skin to skin and the first feed. [NHS]

▸Real labor or not yet?

True labor contractions come at regular intervals, get closer together and stronger, and each lasts about 60 to 90 seconds. False (Braxton Hicks) contractions have no pattern and may stop when she rests, walks or changes position. [ACOG] Timing them is your job: start to start for the gap, start to stop for the length.

▸Stage by stage

Early labor at home

This early (latent) stage can take many hours, or even days, before labour is established. It is usually the longest stage. [NHS]

Eating and drinking now helps with energy for later. In the day, staying upright and gently active can help. At night, she should sleep if she can. [NHS]

Breathing exercises, massage and a warm bath or shower may ease pain at this stage. In the UK, the NHS says paracetamol taken as the packet says is safe in labour. [NHS · NHS]

If you go in before labour is established, the unit may suggest you go home for a while. That is normal. [NHS]

Do
  • Time the contractions: start to start for the gap, start to stop for the length.
  • Keep small snacks and drinks coming for her. Eat something yourself too.
  • Daytime: walk and stay upright together. Night: lights low, help her rest.
  • Offer a back rub, slow breathing together, or run a warm bath.
  • Check the bags, car seat, fuel, phone charge and the maternity unit or OB number now.
  • Call the maternity unit or OB when the pattern meets their threshold, or any time either of you is worried.
Say
  • You are doing this. One at a time.
  • I have the timing. You just breathe.
  • Eat a little now. You will want it later.

Active labor

Established labour means the cervix has opened to about 4cm and contractions are stronger and more regular. [NHS]

In a first pregnancy, getting from there to fully dilated usually takes 8 to 18 hours. [NHS]

The midwife checks how things are going, offers pain relief if she wants it, and listens to the baby's heart every 15 minutes with a small handheld device. [NHS]

She may want a massage, or may not want to be touched at all. A bath or birth pool can help her relax. [NHS]

Do
  • Hand over the birth plan and tell the midwife or nurse what she wants, so she does not have to.
  • Between contractions: a sip of water, a cool cloth, the fan.
  • Help her change position. Walking around or any position that feels right is fine.
  • Breathe slowly with her through each contraction.
  • If she does not want to be touched, stop, and stay close.
  • Keep the room calm: lights down, her music, visitors and messages on hold.
  • Remind her she can ask for pain relief at any point. Her call, not yours.
Say
  • Breathe with me. Slow in, long out.
  • That one is done. It is not coming back.
  • Tell me what you need and I will sort it.

Pushing

The pushing (second) stage runs from fully dilated to the birth. She may feel an urge to push. With an epidural she may not feel it at all. [NHS]

She can sit, lie on her side, stand, kneel or squat. Kneeling on all fours may help if she has had a lot of backache. [NHS]

For a first baby, this stage should last no longer than 3 hours. As the head is born, the midwife will ask her to stop pushing and take short breaths. [NHS]

Do
  • Stay up by her head unless she asks you to be somewhere else.
  • Repeat the midwife's or nurse's instructions calmly if she cannot hear them.
  • Support the position she picks: a hand, a leg, or her weight.
  • Between pushes: water, a cool cloth, quiet.
  • If you want to cut the cord, ask now.
Say
  • I am right here. Listen to the midwife.
  • Rest now. This gap is yours.
  • Every push counts. Keep going.

After the birth

She can usually hold the baby straight away for skin to skin. Ideally the first feed happens within 1 hour of the birth. [NHS]

The placenta comes next. With active management (an injection), the midwife usually waits 1 to 5 minutes before cutting the cord, and the placenta usually comes within 30 minutes. [NHS]

Do
  • Protect the first hour: skin to skin and the first feed come before calls and photos.
  • Ask whether you can hold the baby skin to skin when she needs a rest.
  • Write down what you are told about feeding, stitches and checks.
  • Send the agreed message to the agreed short list, when she says.
  • Eat, drink, and get the car seat ready for the trip home.
Say
  • You did it. Then name exactly what she did.
  • I have the phone and the visitors. You rest.

When she says she cannot do it

  • Agree that it is hard. Do not argue with how she feels, and do not tell her she is fine.
  • Shrink it: just this contraction, then rest.
  • Ask if she wants to talk to the midwife or nurse about pain relief, and tell them what she said.
  • Change one thing: position, water, light, music.
Say
  • This is really hard, and you are doing it.
  • Just this one. I will count it with you.
  • Do you want me to get the midwife?
Never say

It cannot be that bad. Or anything that compares her to someone else.

Questions to ask the nurse or OB

  • How is she getting on, and what happens next?
  • How is the baby doing?
  • What pain relief can she have at this point?
  • Can she eat or drink now?
  • What can I do to help right now?
  • If the plan changes: why, what are the options, and how long do we have to decide?
  • Can I cut the cord, and can we have skin to skin straight away?
  • Before we go home: what should we watch for, and who do we call?

The stage facts above come from the NHS, which explains each stage in detail. Your hospital may do things differently, so its instructions come first.

▸When to call the OB, and when to go in

When to call: US (ACOG)

If she thinks she is in labor, or is not sure, call her OB or other obstetric care provider and follow their instructions. If her water breaks, call them too.

Go to the hospital if
  • Her water has broken and she is not having contractions.
  • She is bleeding heavily from the vagina.
  • She has constant, severe pain with no relief between contractions.
  • The baby is moving less often.

Follow your hospital's and your OB's instructions first. Before the due date, ask her provider when to call, how to reach them after hours, and whether to call first or go straight to the hospital. [ACOG]

In an emergency, call 911.

How long it takes: ACOG says labor for a first baby typically lasts 12 to 18 hours. [ACOG]

▸The car seat

You need a car seat to bring the baby home, installed properly. [ACOG] NHTSA says a child under 1 should always ride in a rear-facing car seat, and certified technicians at car seat inspection stations will check your installation, free in most cases. Register the seat with the manufacturer for recall notices. [NHTSA]

▸Print it for the bag

The birth partner cheat sheet puts all of this on one or two sheets. Then pack the dad bag: insurance card, ID, phone charger, snacks.

Send to him

Send him his labor job description

One tap sends him what to do and say at each stage, and when to call the OB.

▸Common questions

When should we go to the hospital?

ACOG says to call her ob-gyn or other obstetric care provider if she thinks she is in labor or is not sure. Go to the hospital if her water has broken without contractions, she is bleeding heavily, she has constant severe pain with no relief between contractions, or the baby is moving less often.

Is there a rule for when to go in?

Use the one her OB or hospital gives you. ACOG suggests agreeing before the due date on when to call, how to reach the provider after hours, and whether to call first or go straight to the hospital.

How long does labor last for a first baby?

ACOG says labor for a first baby typically lasts 12 to 18 hours, and 8 to 10 hours for women who have given birth before. Every labor is different.

How do I tell real labor from false labor?

ACOG says true labor contractions come at regular intervals, get closer together, get stronger, and each lasts about 60 to 90 seconds. False (Braxton Hicks) contractions have no pattern and may stop when she rests, walks or changes position.

▸Sources

Every health fact on this page was checked against these pages. Follow your own OB and hospital where their advice differs.

Not medical advice

This is general information for expectant fathers, not clinical guidance. Anything about symptoms, pain, or bleeding goes to your midwife, doctor, or emergency service, not to an app.

Labor mode: a free contraction timer that tells you when to call.

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